Friday, March 12, 2021

Helping couples to look after each other again


When working with couples in distress, it’s common to see both people whose needs are not being met. Their “need tank” is empty.

1 Physiologically needs like sleep.

2 Safety needs.

3 Feelings of significance.

4 Feelings of connection and belonging.

5 Needs around newness, growth, and novelty.

Being human, they then instinctively demand for these needs to be met by their partner, either outwardly or inwardly.

It’s like both people demanding fruit from a fruit tree, and the tree has been unwatered, neglected, or starved of nutrients and sunlight.

So in couple counseling, we aim to shift both people from “where’s my fruit”, to watering and caring for the tree first. The rule applies to both people.

When we understand what needs are required from each other, it’s easier to fulfill those needs for each other. Once needs are more fulfilled, it’s easier to demand fruit.

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