ADHD and the Mismatch of Focus: When Inner Worlds Clash with Outer Demands

The pattern I often see in people struggling with ADHD is that their minds tend to zoom in on their internal values or thoughts—what matters to them—and zoom out of the things their world, family, or environment expects them to focus on.

When their internal values and thinking differ significantly from those of their environment, it creates a major challenge.

This mismatch often leads to secondary anxiety, stress, low self-esteem, and frequent misunderstandings. One can frame this as the mismatch of the inner and outer focus rather than a “pure focus issue”.

So how can we help them to align those?

First step is awareness and mindfulness of that and with less blame towards the external context or self. “Hold space” or find emotional acceptance of that. With that renewed energy, focus on creating or finding a context that is more aligned with one’s inner thinking and values.

In essence, we help them to fine tune and follow their inner thinking and values, but at the same time, making that workable in the external world.

Finding Your Path: Moving Towards Your Values for a Healthier You

In counseling work, people usually come to see me when they are experiencing an internal conflict around their hierarchy of values or are stuck in a context that moves them away from those values.

Having said that, they may not have the emotional literacy to describe it in that particular way. They might instead express it as stress, anxiety, burnout, or depression.

Management:

1. Identify and acknowledge what those values are. Values are typically emotive or motivating, so check for “emotional resonance.” If it’s not emotive or motivating, it’s probably not a value of theirs. If it is emotive, then it likely is. The more core it is, the more emotive it becomes because it matters deeply to them.

2. Reconcile by changing your value-based rules but still honoring those values, or hold space for those internal conflicts. It’s quite normal to experience them.

3. With clarity around those values, take actions toward the most important ones, ensuring they are workable for sustainability.

Note: With the “feeling mind,” moving toward our values feels better. Conversely, moving away from our values often feels worse.

When Success Feels Empty: Embracing Healthy Growth for Lasting Fulfillment

As a Family Doctor, I’ve seen many people through my work who have achieved a lot in their lives but remain deeply discontent. There’s a lack of something.

It’s a paradox, right? We achieve what we set out to do, yet happiness eludes us.  Of course there may be some short term contentment but this is often short lived.  

The common thread seems to be a lack of perceived progress, growth, hope, newness, inspiration, or something to look forward to. Perhaps, chemically speaking, a lack of dopamine.

When we’ve ticked off our goals, it’s harder to find room for growth, isn’t it?

With this in mind, it’s vital to seek healthy newness and growth rather than the unhealthy versions I’ve unfortunately seen in these individuals.

Healthier newness and growth don’t come at the expense of meaningful connections or stability.

I wonder if you can relate. 

The 3 Pillars of Mental Wellbeing

In my counseling work over time, I’ve observed that people are happiest when their core needs are met:

1. Stability / security / certainty / control
2. Connection / belonging
3. Growth / newness / progress / variety

People are unhappiest when these needs are not met.

They feel more content when they move towards these collective needs, and more anxious or unsettled when they move away from them.

As part of self-care, it’s important to regularly move toward these needs.

With the diagram above, try to aim for the overlapping area in the center—where all three needs intersect. This represents an ideal state for good mental health, where stability, connection, and growth coexist.

It’s also important to remember that too much focus on one need can come at the cost of the others.

Can you relate this to your own life—or the lives of the people you care about?