Emotions Are a Language — We Just Have to Learn How to Speak It Better

Many of the folks I see have emotional regulation troubles and with that, they may want to avoid talking about it and/or working on it. It’s uncomfortable and “not safe”. The problem is, by avoiding it, it’s hard to get better at it.

It’s like a language. The pattern is, growing up, this language is often not well spoken in the family. When we express it incorrectly, we may get strong negative feedback or even shut down so learning to speak “emotionally” well and fluently is difficult. Modelling is also important in learning any language and some may not have great role models in this domain.

So how to regulate a feeling/emotion in simple terms?

If we are too emotive about something that is unhelpful for the context, we may need to learn how to “down regulate” that by noticing it, defuse from it or “zoom out” from it. “Zoom out” just right like easing off the pressure of the gas pedal. Not too much that we are detached or dissociated from the things that matters.

If we are not emotive enough about something that matters, we may need to learn how to “upregulate” that by noticing it and “zoom into” our values, self motivate and taking action.

Simple but not easy.

The rate limiting step is often learning to be mindful and holding space for feelings and emotions of self and others. This can give us “emotional clarity”. Once we have “emotional clarity”, processing feelings/emotions becomes easier.