Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Helping our patients reconcile the external values and rules with the internal values and rules


As we live in a society, we are very much aware of the external rules and values.

However, there are also internal rules and values of the individuals.

Some folks are very conscious of the outer rules and values, but are not very conscious of their own internal rules and values.

Some folks are very conscious of their own internal rules and values, but are not very conscious of the external rules and values.

I often see the folks who are very unconscious of their own internal rules and values.

It often shows up as inner disharmony or unhappiness, because life has moved too far away from their own internal values and rules.

Which one are you?

One of the aim of counseling or coaching is to reconcile the external with the internal.

Tuesday, November 30, 2021

How to help our patients to have self compassion


Many folks I see have an unhealthy dialogue or frustration towards their feeling mind.

Yes, the feeling mind can be frustrating, but it’s trying to do its job. It can be “over sensitive”. It can get it wrong often, but without it, we will probably die. It’s there to protect us.

So when it gets it wrong, acknowledge it, thank it even, and soothe it with curiosity, gratitude, compassion, validation, and maybe a small dose of gentle challenge. This is how we can “tame it”.

Avoid the usual critic, judgement and frustration. That will probably make it worse. 

Consider showing gratitude and compassion towards our feeling mind. It’s a way to show “self compassion”.

Helping our patients to prevent miscommunications and conflicts


“Phuc” is a beautiful word and name in the Vietnamese language with a beautiful meaning. It means blessed, good fortune and happiness.

But in English, it doesn’t quite sound as nice.

So to understand what others say, we have to interpret how it sounds to us, AS WELL as their intent.

How many times have you said something with good intent and someone have taken offence to that?

It happens to me all the time.

You too?

Having a better awareness and understanding of this, may help us and our patients to prevent unnecessary misunderstandings and conflicts.  

Saturday, November 27, 2021

Helping patients to align goals in order to resolve conflict



Two different people with the same goals=a great team. Two different people without the same goals=friction or conflict.

So consider aligning our goals.

This is best done with curiosity rather judgement or frustration. Ask the person what their goals are, and then listen to understand rather than to respond.

Once we are more aware of the gap, it will give us the opportunity to close the gap.

One of the biggest mistake for many, is when we are in conflict, we tend to focus on our differences, and mistakenly blame those differences for our conflict. 

This may not be the real issue. It might be due to our misaligned goals.

So when in conflict, consider this.

Firstly, notice the feeling in conflict. Acknowledge and hold space for that feeling with curiosity. If a thought kicks in to say how annoying the other person is, hold space for that too.

Drop anchor with our body sense like breath if required, to ground ourselves in the present moment. 

Then with care, collaboration, positive regards, and curiosity, we ask…. I am curious, what are your goals, what are you trying to achieve, or something else that resonate with your usual “language”.

Then listen to understand rather than to respond.

Once we have clarity, move towards goal alignment with care, collaboration and a win-win mindset.