When working with couples in distress, it’s common to see two unhappy people whose needs are not being met. Their “need tanks” are both empty.
1 Physiologically needs like sleep.
2 Safety needs.
3 Feelings of significance.
4 Feelings of connection and belonging.
5 Needs around newness, growth, variety and novelty.
Being human, they then instinctively demand for these needs to be met by their partner, either outwardly or inwardly.
It’s like both people demanding fruit from a fruit tree, and the tree has been unwatered, neglected, or starved of nutrients and sunlight.
So in couple counseling, we aim to shift both people from “where’s my fruit”, to watering and caring for the trees first.
When we understand what needs are required from each other, it’s easier to fulfill those needs for each other. Once each other’s needs are fulfilled, the relationship will be much more fruitful.