One of the most common misunderstanding I see in the couples I’ve worked with, is the “thinkers” versus the “feelers”. They think they are speaking the same language but they are not. It’s almost like one is speaking in French and the other in English.
One is asking, have you done your part in all of this, while the other is asking, have you considered our feelings in all of this.
One is saying, let’s do what works, while the other is saying, let’s do what makes us feel happy.
One is saying, I just want you to make me happy, while the other is saying, I just want you to make things work for me.
One is thinking, if you cared, you would have done this for me, while the other thinks, if you cared, you would have considered my feelings.
One is more focused on achieving some objective goals in the relationship, while the other is more focused on achieving emotional harmony and “what’s nice” in the relationship.
In counseling, we help couples to be more “bilingual” so that they can communicate more effectively with each other. Without effective communication, it will simply lead to frustration, and the fight, flight, or freeze response.
The “thinker” learns to take in more “feeling variables”, and the “feeler” learns to take in more “objective variables” when listening, making decisions, or taking action.